


searching in the dark

by helloearthlings



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Modern Era, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 00:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11955909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helloearthlings/pseuds/helloearthlings
Summary: Merlin and his soulmate started hearing one another’s voices when Merlin was eight.The first time it happened, Merlin didn’t think anything of it. He just had a dream about a big, wide open space in the sky where another voice said to himWhat are you doing here?And Merlin saidI belong here.





	searching in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, unless I get some weird bout of inspiration tomorrow morning, this is gonna be my last post for at least a week, and the end of the extremely frequent updates. I have to move this weekend, which involves a lot of driving, and then my classes start next week, so my free time will decrease dramatically. Like I said before, I want to try to have semi-regular updates, but I really don't know what to expect, so we'll see!!
> 
> So this story: sorry if it slips into present tense; I struggled with staying in present tense so much in the Ygraine fic and now I can't get my mind out of it. But this combines a few ideas I've had, and I'm pretty hype about posting it! My post popular fic ever is a soulmates AU, so maybe we'll repeat the experience. :) Hope you like, please comment if you do!!

Merlin and his soulmate started hearing one another’s voices when Merlin was eight.

His mum told him that was rare; most people only heard their soulmates after they went through puberty, but Merlin had always been an early bloomer, so much smarter and more mature than the other boys his age.

Personally, Merlin didn’t think that had much to do with it. He didn’t see the point of having dreams about someone once in a while. It was only once every couple weeks that it happens, anyway, and it’s not like they talk for long or his soulmate has anything _interesting_ to say.

The first time it happened, Merlin didn’t think anything of it. He just had a dream about a big, wide open space in the sky where another voice said to him _What are you doing here?_

And Merlin said _I belong here._

And then he woke up.

He told his mum about the big sky the third time it happened, and she almost cried, and said that it was his soulmate he was talking to.

But Merlin didn’t really care about some soulmate who he’s probably not going to connect with for a long time anyway; he’d rather eat ice cream or play with Will at recess.

* * *

 

It starts to matter to him when he’s around fourteen, because that’s when he and the voice stopped just having little snippets of conversation – _what did you do today? I played on the swings at recess, what did you do?_ and then waking up before he could answer – and they started to be able to hold a conversation for more than ten seconds.

_Hi….it’s me. Are you there?_

_Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I had rubbish day at school. Mrs. Johnson gave Will and me detention._

_Why’d she do that?_

_Because we ditched gym._

_Why would you ever ditch gym? Gym’s the best part of the day._

_God, you’re one of_ those _people. I can’t believe my soulmate is one of_ those _people._

That was as far along as they could get, but most people Merlin’s age were just hearing snippets right now anyway, so apparently they were leagues ahead of the game. They could usually get through obligatory exchanges and start exchanging personal anecdotes that had some sort of substance to them; however, the second they started trying to discuss technicalities, their names or where they lived, Merlin would wake up, usually in the middle of the night, a conversation cut short.

“Why do they do that?” Merlin frowned at his mum after complaining that just as his soulmate tried to tell him his name, his presence disintegrated around him. “Don’t they want us to find each other?”

“The universe wants you to find each other naturally,” his mum said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear before she sets the meatloaf at the dinner table. “It doesn’t want to force you together, it wants you to find each other without its interference. When you connect, you’ll know who the other is.”

“I know,” Merlin grumbled, forking his dinner in. Teachers in primary school had only ever told them that someday they’d hear their soulmate’s voice in their head; in the last couple years of school, they started talking about the different ways people experience it, what you could and couldn’t tell them, what it was like when you finally connected.

That wasn’t enough for Merlin, however; he wanted to know where this magic came from, why it was so infused in the world. His Uncle Gaius called it a science that the world didn’t understand yet, but Merlin knew better.

It was magic.

* * *

 

_My dad was a real shithead today._

_Oh. What’d he do?_

_He kicked my sister out._

_Damn. That’s awful._

_She’s the only one who really understands me. I’m so glad I only have two years left that I have to live here._

_I never knew my dad._

_Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean –_

_It’s fine, I don’t mean that your dad’s not a shithead. I don’t even_ know _if my dad was a shithead. My mum never talks about him. I don’t even know if he’s alive._

_….I wish I was there right now. I mean, really with you, so I could really comfort you. This is shit, this talking in dreams thing._

_Yeah I mean…me too. I wish I was there to comfort you about your dad being a shithead._

_Yeah._

_Hey! Hold on! Two years! You said you had two years left with your dad!_

_Yeah, so?_

_So, that means you’re, what, sixteen?_

_Oh, shit. Can we share that? Yeah, I’m sixteen, how old are you?_

_I’ll be sixteen next month!_

_Sweet!_

_I think this is the longest we’ve ever talked! Do you know anyone else who can talk for this long?_

_No, most of my friends can only hold a conversation for a few sentences. Some of the denser ones can only string a few words together, though that’s not specific to their soulmate dreams._

_I hope that means we’re gonna connect soon._

_Me, too. I feel better here with you than I ever do it home._

Merlin is immensely regretful when he wakes up; he wanted to tell his soulmate that it was alright, that he would find them as soon as he could.

* * *

 

“But how do the dreams _work_?” Merlin knew he was being an annoying ass, monopolizing Mr. Garrah’s biology class with all of his questions, but he just had so many, and his mum had stopped being able to answer them long ago. “I mean, what if two people are in a different time zone, for instance?”

Mr. Garrah took off his glasses to rub his eyes. “That doesn’t matter. Think of the REM cycle; even when you do not dream of your soulmate and simply have ordinary dreams, the dreams only last for a short amount of the time you are actually asleep. When you have a soulmate conversation, even if you are only asleep at the same time for a split second, you can fit a conversation into that. Time zones complicate things at times, but it is rare for two people on opposite sides of the globe to have a soulmate connection; remember, these are people you would meet regardless of the dreams.”

“What about language?” Merlin persisted. “What if you don’t speak the same language?”

“The dream automatically translates for you. It feels like you’re talking with words, but you’re really not; it’s just how you perceive your soul’s conversation.”

His tone suggested that he was finished speaking, but Merlin immediately piped up again. “And what kinds of personal information can be shared?”

“Nothing identifying,” Mr. Garrah’s usual calm demeanor was getting shakier, and Merlin knew he was pushing his limits. But he’d never been very good at rule-following anyway.

“What about things like age? Gender?” Merlin asked, and Mr. Garrah peered down at him through his spectacles.

“I suppose that one or both of those things _could_ be shared, if the bond was a deep one,” Mr. Garrah said a little thoughtfully, “as they will not necessarily lead you directly to your soulmate. But when you are very, very close to connecting with your soulmate outside of your dreams, it’s possible.”

Merlin could not help but feel a little swell of pride at that; that he and his soulmate were rare. That they were special. That their bond ran deeper than most.

He also couldn’t help but feel a thrill of excitement at the fact that maybe that meant his soulmate was close by, that they would connect soon in person.

“The number of dreams about your soulmate that you have increase as you get closer, right?” Merlin asked and Mr. Garrah nodded, his eyes growing more exhausted the more Merlin talked. “Is there some kind of scale, for how many nights you dream of them and how close you are?”

“There is no scale,” Mr. Garrah said, his voice tight. “This is not an exact science, Mr. Emrys. Some scientists debate if it really _is_ a field of scientific study. You could a week away or ten years away for all I care. Please stop monopolizing my class time.”

Merlin blushed, a little sheepish but altogether unashamed.

“Now if Mr. Emrys is _through_ ,” Mr. Garrah shot him a nasty look, “we can continue with today’s _actual_ lesson."

* * *

 

_Hey? Are you here?_

_Hey…I’m here._

_You seem sad. I don’t know how I know that. I guess I can…feel your energy? Is that normal?_

_I dunno._

_You are sad. What’s the matter?_

_Nothing._

_C’mon, you can’t even tell me? I’m your soulmate. I won’t judge you._

_I don’t think I can share this. I think it’s too much identifying information._

_I learned in class the other day that sometimes we can share a little bit. Not our names, but…it might mean we’re getting closer to connecting. Maybe that’s why I could feel that you were sad._

_Oh – okay. But I also….well, I don’t want to scare you off._

_Why would anything scare me off? I’m your_ soulmate.

_Well, I just don’t know who you think I am. And I know that if I told my mates this, they wouldn’t be friends with me anymore._

_But…it’s me. I’ll always be your friend._

_I – okay. Okay. My….my dad called me a faggot._

_Oh. ….You’re right. Your dad’s a total shithead._

_You’re not – mad?_

_Why would I be mad? I mean, I’m mad at your dad for sure, cause he’s an asshole. But why would I be mad at you?_

_Well. Well, if you’re a girl, you’d be mad because I like boys. And if you’re a boy, you might get mad because you didn’t want your soulmate to be a boy._

_I’m a boy. And I think I knew you were a boy all along, I just didn’t wanna assume. I’m not mad. I’m really happy, actually. I’m really happy you’re a boy._

_…I’m really happy you’re a boy, too._

* * *

“Do you think I’m gonna connect with him at university?” Merlin asked his mum as she helped him load all of his things into her beat-up van to drive him south for school. Merlin was moving into his dormitory tomorrow, and was more nervous than anything else, especially because his soulmate might be there waiting.

Merlin dreamed of him almost five nights every week – he’d been counting. Surely that meant he had to be close.

“I don’t know, honey,” his mum shook her head affectionately at him. “But I’m sure you’ll find him soon enough. The two of you have been able to talk much longer than your father and I ever did.”

Merlin froze; his mum’s smile had turned sad as she pulled him close to her.

“He was a good man,” his mum said into his hair, “and I know he’d be proud of you if he could see you now.”

A thousand questions ran through Merlin’s head, and his mum seemed to sense that as she pulled away, tears in her eyes. “We were soulmates, your dad and me. I know you’ve always wondered, but we were. But he had to leave for the service after you were born, and he never came back.”

“What was his name?” Merlin whispered, quiet and strangled.

“Balinor,” his mother smiled up at him, “and you look more and more like him every day.”

* * *

 

_What’s the matter? You seem sad. I get what you mean about feeling it now. I always know when you’re sad nowadays._

_My mum told me about my dad today._

_Oh. Wow._

_Yeah. I don’t really wanna talk about it, though. It might be too identifying, and I want to keep talking to you. I really hope we connect soon._

_Me, too. I think about you every day. My sister says that I pine, but she’s wrong. She already has a soulmate, so she doesn’t understand._

_I’m glad that you and your sister are talking again, now that you don’t live with your dad anymore._

_I am, too. She’s the best. I make fun of her, but I love her a lot, you know?_

_I know. I wish I knew where you lived, that way I’d know if we were at the same university._

_Yeah, me too. But at least we know we’re both in_ a _university, right? No matter where it is. What country, what city…_

_But we dream about each other all the time. That has to count for something. That has to count for something._

_Yeah. It has to. I mean, we’ve been close for so long – sometimes it feels like we already know each other, you know?_

_Yeah. I know._

* * *

Merlin didn’t connect with his soulmate in university.

He saw a lot of other people connect with their soulmate though; you could see the connection when it happened. Merlin had only ever seen videos of it, the electric light that seemed to shake between two people, like a string connecting their two hearts.

Like a string that was on fire, sparkling with energy, joy, _love_.

He was there to see it happen to his best mate, Elyan and a bloke named Percival, and though he couldn’t help but be thrilled at the way Elyan’s eyes lit up, he longed to experience it himself. It just seemed so beautiful, so magical.

Yet still, he and his soulmate never seemed to leave each other’s heads. Since Merlin’s second year in university, he’d dreamt of him every single night. They would talk for sometimes what felt like hours, about nothing and everything; they’d gotten very good at avoiding personal details so as not to cut the dreams too short.

“Merlin, c’mon, you gotta pull with me, tonight, mate,” Gwaine clapped Merlin on the back the second he arrived at the pub to meet their friends. It was a celebration of sorts; they’d all graduated university, most of them were employed in the real world, some of them were going on to graduate school, some of them had connected with their soulmates and were busy planning their perfect lives together.

Merlin was the slightest bit bitter, which he felt guilty about; it wasn’t like his friends could help when they connected their soulmates, just like he couldn’t help that he hadn’t yet.

Elyan and Percival had connected; so had Gwen and Leon. Mithian and Gwaine were still on their own, which made Merlin feel a little less pathetic.

The only problem with that was Gwaine’s insistence that Merlin needed to forget about his soulmate every once in a while and just have _fun_.

“I’m not going to pull, Gwaine,” Merlin took a sip of his beer, rolling his eyes. Gwaine had tried this bit before; he’d tried it all through university to no avail.

“Live a little,” Gwaine whined as Elyan laughed at him, hitting him on the back of the head.

“Leave him alone,” Elyan said, shaking his head. “He has someone waiting for him. You do, too, Gwaine, even if you forget about it every once in a while.”

“I don’t _forget,”_ Gwaine snorted, flipping his hair. He’s quite good at flipping his hair. He does it a lot. “But my soulmate isn’t here _yet_. So why should I worry about it?”

“Because they’re your _soulmate_ ,” Gwen stared Gwaine down, but Merlin quickly interrupted.

“You do whatever you want, Gwaine,” Merlin clapped his friend on the back. “It’s your life, and if your soulmate really is made for you, I’m sure they won’t mind.”

“See?” Gwaine raised a snotty eyebrow in Gwen’s direction before turning to Merlin and saying “Now why can’t you apply that logic to yourself?”

Merlin shook his head a little sadly, taking a drink so that he could prolong answering for another second. “Because my soulmate is too close.”

“You’ve been saying that for _years_ –”

Merlin just laughed in interruption. “I don’t mean it like that. I have no idea where the hell he is or how fast he’s coming. I just mean we’re too close in the dreams. We talk every single night. I know him too well.”

“I mean, you do know more about him than most people do about their soulmates,” Leon pointed out, logical as ever. Gwaine stuck his tongue out at either Leon or the concept of logic in general, Merlin wasn’t sure which. “That has to count for something.”

“So tell us about him then,” Gwaine raised a challenging eyebrow. “Since you know him so well.”

Merlin’s face heated up; he usually didn’t talk about his soulmate, at least as a person, unless he was smashed and crying about how much he wanted to see him, how much he wished he was there with him.

“He’s – a little older than me, but not much,” Merlin swallowed thickly, aware that all of his friends were watching him intently. “He’s a man, obviously. He has a sister and a father, but he doesn’t speak to his father because he’s a homophobic shitbag.”

Most of his friends winced, but Merlin continued on. “He never knew his mother. He’s graduated from university, too, and I’ve gathered from his vernacular that he’s British too, though I don’t know for sure and obviously can’t ask. He’s…kind of arrogant, and wants to hide away his flaws, but he’s actually really sweet once you get past all of it. He teases you when he feels close to you. He plays football and is annoying about it. He whines a lot. We talk a lot about the newest movies, we try to go see them at the same time so we can pretend like we’re going together. He’s really lonely.”

There was a thickness in Merlin’s voice that he just couldn’t hide, and even Gwaine gave him a sloppy hug when it was clear that he was through speaking.

“Alright then,” Gwaine stroked Merlin’s hair messily. “You don’t have to pull tonight, mate. More for me, anyway!”

Merlin grinned at the obvious joke and let his friends have their fun that night as he sipped his drink and tried to smile.

* * *

 

_Have you ever slept with anyone else?_

_I…No. No, I haven’t. …Why?_

_I dunno. My friend wanted me to pull tonight. He’s wanted me to pull before, but I never have. I just feel like…_

_Like what?_

_Like we’re too close for that. It’s fine for him, for people who can hardly hear their soulmates, but you and I aren’t like that._

_No. No, I guess we aren’t. A bunch of my mates have pulled, even dated, other people who weren’t meant for them either because they don’t care about soulmates or even just for experience. So that they know what they’re doing when they finally connect with their soulmate._

_I – I don’t want experience. It would feel fake if it were anyone but you. I already feel like we’re dating. It would be like cheating on you._

_Exactly. It’s like…we’re in a long distance relationship. And we talk on the phone every night._

_Yeah, that’s it, that’s what it feels like. Only we don’t even know each other’s names._

_Soon. It has to be soon. I know we’ve said that for years, but…it has to be._

* * *

 

“So has anyone taken on your book yet?”

Merlin tapped his foot a little nervously, grinning over at Gwen across the lunch table. “Yeah, actually,” he admitted, blushing, “someone has.”

“Merlin!” Gwen squealed, grabbing his hand and nearly knocking his coffee off the table in her enthusiasm. “That’s amazing! Congratulations!”

Merlin turned twenty-five yesterday and was still without a connection with his soulmate; however, getting a publisher for his novel helped to ease the pain of it.

Still, he would rather have his soulmate with him than anything else. But he has to take what he can get.

“Thanks,” Merlin blushed, sheepish. “I’m meeting with the publisher tomorrow. I’m a nervous wreck about it. I just hope they like it.”

“They’ll love it,” Gwen’s smile was nearly blinding. “Who else have you told?”

“Just my mum and Uncle Gaius so far,” Merlin said, “though I’ll tell the rest of our friends once it gets off the ground and I’m sure it’s not some surreal dream. I wish I could tell my soulmate, but…that’ll definitely be too personal. We’ve always woken up after trying to talk details about our jobs before, I’m sure this won’t be any different.”

His smile must have grown sadder, for Gwen squeezed his hand even tighter.

“He’s coming, you know?” Gwen said, her eyes bright. “As fast as he can, Merlin.”

Merlin hoped he still believed that he was, but sometimes he wasn’t so sure.

* * *

 

That night, Merlin’s dream was different.

It was still a soulmate conversation; it had the same energy to it, the promise of connection. But instead of the open sky space he had experienced as a child, he felt as if he were still lying in bed.

It was his bed and yet it wasn’t; it was warmer.

Merlin could feel more of his own body here than he had ever felt before; it was like he was almost conscious, though the world around him was too foggy and hazy for that to be so.

He reached a hand out, and his adrenaline spiked as he touched what felt like a human body.

_Is that you_? Merlin tried to say, and the response was immediate.

_It’s me…Is, is that you? Are you really touching me right now?_

Pressure appeared on top of Merlin’s hand, and he knew that it was his soulmate’s hand on top of his own.

Merlin nearly laughed with joy. _Yeah. I think I am. It’s like…it’s like I’m half-asleep. Groggy and can’t open my eyes. But you’re right here with me._

He heard the laughter of his soulmate, brighter and truer than he’s ever heard before. _This is insane. I’ve never heard of this happening before. To anyone._

_That’s what we always say, though, isn’t it?_ Merlin couldn’t help but let misery strike him, even if this world of deepening closeness, this ability to almost touch. _We’ve bonded more than anyone we know. Surely the connection must be coming. And it never does._

_It has to,_ his soulmate said, voice shaking, and Merlin feels the pressure of his hand against his neck, slowing moving upward to cup his cheek. _Maybe…maybe the bond we have here isn’t signifying the time we have left to connect. Maybe it’s signifying how wonderful that connection will be when it finally happens. We’ll be more in love than anyone else._

_Obviously,_ Merlin felt a bit like crying, which wasn’t fair. This was a dream; this was a soulmate dream. This was where he got to be closest to the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. _I – I’m coming as fast as I can. I promise._

_It feels like you’re hugging me_ , his soulmate’s voice sounds as choked as Merlin felt, and it seemed like they laid together for hours, all night, no words needed.

* * *

 

Arthur Pendragon peered at Merlin over a stack of papers, his blue eyes sharp and assessing.

“So you wrote a book,” Arthur said slowly, measuredly, judgmentally, “about _pirates_.”

Merlin smiled winningly across the desk at him, hoping that his new publisher could not hear how fast his heart was beating. “ _Space_ pirates,” he corrected gently.

Arthur frowned. “Mrs. Carleon seems to think that this book will be a big seller in the fantasy department,” he said in that same mild voice laced with mockery. “It just needs a little polishing up.”

His voice dripped with disdain and Merlin couldn’t help but glare at him. “Well, I’m pleased that she has faith in the work.”

Arthur stared back at him, eyes assessing. “I have to admit, Mr. Emrys –”

“ _Merlin,”_ Merlin muttered, wrinkling his nose.

“Merlin,” Arthur corrected, and Merlin thought he saw a smile on his face for the first time, though it was only a flash. “I have to admit that I have very little interest in fantasy.”

“Great job you have, then,” Merlin found himself saying out loud, and that time Arthur really did smile.

“It’s a step up from my previous job of editing bodice rippers,” Arthur rolled his eyes and Merlin laughed out loud. “But fantasy as a genre holds no relevance to me, so don’t expect me to be a passionate cheerleader. I’m here to edit anything inconsistent or unclear, that’s all.”

“That’s all I need you to do,” Merlin raised his hands in mock-defense. “But how can you not like fantasy?”

“How can you _like_ fantasy?” Arthur fired back, an eyebrow quirked.

“You don’t want to imagine a world outside of the limits of our own? One that doesn’t operate by our rules, our limitations?”

“Soulmates aren’t magical enough for you?” Arthur said with a little laugh and shake of his head.

Merlin couldn’t help but deflate slightly. “Even soulmates have their limitations.”

The smile on Arthur’s face became fixed; Merlin wondered if he understood.

“I’ll give it a preliminary read-through and send you back some notes,” Arthur said quietly, and his new subdued manner made Merlin think that maybe he really did understand. “If you’d like to meet again in person to discuss anything, you have my number.”

“Thanks for all the help,” Merlin reached forward to shake his hand. Arthur took it with a quiet smile, and Merlin left the publisher’s office, thinking it an important step in his career and nothing more.

* * *

 

That night, however, he does not dream of his soulmate.

He wakes up, sickened and in a panicked frenzy; he cannot remember the last night he went without seeing his soulmate. It had been so long since they’d spent a night apart, and last night, with the touching, the physicality of it, like they were really almost together…

Merlin vomited twice, and was an anxious mess all day. He called in sick from work, he begged off going to the pub with Gwaine and Mithian. Even when Arthur e-mailed him back with a note that said he liked the book more than he expected, Merlin couldn’t be happy about it.

He tossed and turned for hours that night, begging whoever was listening to please let him see his soulmate again, please don’t let this end, this couldn’t end, he would be so lost without…

He was still in bed, but the warmth, the haziness he remembered had returned to him. His hands both reached out, searching, until they landed on something warmer than the rest.

_Is it you? Is it you? Please, God, tell me it’s you._

_No need to call me God,_ a warm voice echoes around him, and Merlin nearly melts with relief, _but it’s me. I’m so glad you’re here; I was so worried when –_

_Me too, me too,_ Merlin couldn’t help but move his hands in whichever way they will go. It wasn’t like touching a real person, not really; he could feel some angles, some shapes, but what he really felt is the warmth, the steady presence of someone else’s soul in his hands. _All day, I couldn’t think. I was so afraid._

_I would’ve gone absolutely mad,_ his soulmate seemed to be touching Merlin wherever he could as well, desperate for the contact it seemed like they’d never find outside of this reality. _But I was trying to distract myself with this thing I was reading, and…it reminded me of you._

_Really?_ Merlin felt a swell of affection. _Why?_

_It just sounded like you,_ his soulmate sounded nearly fond, _the way you talk, the way you think…your humor, your sarcasm, the words you use…I just couldn’t help but think of you._

Merlin knew that if he was in reality, his own body, he would’ve probably teared up. No one had ever said something like that to him before.

_I love you_ , Merlin said very suddenly, and is a bit lost as to how that ended up out loud. But this place wasn’t a place for thoughts; it was a place for words. Words for his soulmate to hear. _Not because I have to, because I’m meant to, but because of who you are. I just need you to know that – just in case it happens again. Just in case we…_

_Please don’t give up on me yet,_ his soulmate’s voice was very nearly scared, panicked, shaking. Merlin felt a pang of regret. _I love you, too, you know. All I want –_

Merlin woke up in a cold bed, the sentence cut off before he could hear it, feel it in his bones, the same way he felt the connection to his soulmate.

If only that connection would manifest itself in person. If only he could go to the supermarket tomorrow and trip over his own feet and fall into the arms of a stranger. Then the string between their hearts would electrify and they could be together, no longer separated by a chasm of fate and loneliness.

* * *

 

The dreams seemed muted for the next few nights, like Merlin is there and yet not, their voices echoing off one another, their conversations shorter.

At least they could almost touch, though. They still had that.

Merlin didn’t really have the energy to go and meet Arthur at his office to discuss his book, but he knew he needed to; while feedback over email was fine, there was a difference between red pen marks and getting to talk to someone in person.

“You forgot to mention,” Arthur declared the second Merlin stepped into the room with a little smirk on his face that made Merlin slightly scared, “that the space pirates were _gay_. You could’ve hooked me much faster with that, you know.”

“Well, you’ll have to be sure to put it in the blurb,” Merlin said, and he couldn’t help but be a little amused as he took a seat across from Arthur. “How’d you like it?”

A thoughtful look crossed Arthur’s face. “I liked it a lot, actually,” he smiled. “The voice you use in it is so distinctive. It…it reminded me of a friend of mine. And I had one of the shittiest weeks known to man, but I always seemed to forget about it when I sat down to read your book.”

“I thought you said you were going to remain extremely impassionate,” Merlin reminded him, and even in his miserable state, he couldn’t help but feel some amount of contentment that someone determined not to enjoy his book had gotten so much out of it. “You were going to be the opposite of a sycophant.”

Arthur shrugged, a strange look on his face. “Sometimes, you read the right book at the right time…and it’s just exactly what you need, you know?”

“I know,” Merlin said, and it seemed Arthur was in a much more talkative mood this time around, for he kept going.

“Where’d you get the idea for this?” Arthur asked, his eyebrows creased. “I mean, I was expecting some weird, niche plot I couldn’t follow, but….it really is just a love story, isn’t it?”

Merlin shrugged modestly. “It’s about two people who have known each other all their lives but never really _known_ each other. It’s supposed to parallel soulmates, I suppose.”

Arthur stilled; his eyes downcast. “Yeah. I suppose it does.”

“When they realize how little they really do know each other,” Merlin kept going, unable to stop, “it creates this chasm between them, because in some ways, they _do_ know each other completely, and in other ways, they’re still a mystery to each other. The space and the pirates are just bonuses. It’s really about…the loneliness of being with someone, and yet never being able to truly know them.”

Arthur opened his mouth, his blue eyes widening with something more like empathy than sympathy, when something stops him short, and he froe, lips parted in surprise.

Then Merlin felt something too, a heat inside of his chest that seemed to eat him his insides; a fizzingly energy inside of him that he just couldn’t shake.

Then he looked back at Arthur and noticed a long, red strand, a string between their hearts, _connecting_ their hearts, crackling with untold amounts of energy, like it was a lightning bolt about to strike.

Merlin met Arthur’s eyes, which he knew were a shocked and gaping mirror of his own; the energy faded away, and they were left simply staring at each other.

“You’re –” Merlin started, but found he was out of breath.

“ _You’re –”_ Arthur repeated, and seemed to choke on his words.

Merlin breathed out an incredulous laugh, and soon Arthur had followed suit; they were both in crying hysterics, and they couldn’t stop staring at each other.

“This doesn’t seem real,” Merlin marveled, glad that he already had tears in his eyes from the laughter. “I’ve been waiting for it so long, I can’t believe it’s finally happened.”

“Why didn’t I recognize you?” Arthur gazed at him with unabashed fondness in his eye that almost made Merlin look away. “How did I not recognize you?”

“Connection,” Merlin shrugged, still laughing. “It’s not meeting that sets off the spark, its _connection_. Our souls connected outside of our bond. On their own.”

“Are you really you?” Arthur seemed close to tears as well. “I mean, of course you’re you – you have to be –”

“You have a sister,” Merlin started, biting his lip. “And an awful father –”

“You have your mum, and you never knew your dad,” Arthur finished for him, eyes bright. “That’s why this week has been so fucked – because we met each other but didn’t realize it yet.”

“You recognized me,” Merlin couldn’t help but remind him, “in my book. You saw me in my book.”

“I knew there was something special about it,” Arthur swallowed thickly. “Something about you.”

Merlin dimly thought that this had gone on long enough, and launched himself out of his chair; Arthur realized what he was doing, and moved to do the same. They met in the middle, embracing one another so tightly Merlin thought he might suffocate, but at least he’d die happy.

They broke apart, and couldn’t help but laugh again when they met each other’s eye, couldn’t help but laugh to keep from crying.

“I’m taking the rest of the day off,” Arthur said with great conviction. “Annis can’t deny me that. Please tell me you don’t have anything pressing to get to.”

“Nothing could ever be more important than this.” Merlin knew a tear fell that time, but Arthur was there to wipe it away.

“Am I what you expected?” Arthur asked a little hesitantly, his hand taking Merlin’s own with newfound shyness.

“No,” Merlin shook his head, smiling. “You’re so much better. God, you’re gorgeous.”

“You too,” Arthur said thickly, and then, “I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. That you were right there.”

“Told you I was coming,” Merlin grinned, and didn’t think he’d ever be able to stop.


End file.
